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Fic: Forgiveness
Fandom: Soul Eater
Pairing/Character: Maka
Rating: PG
Summary: Maka has a hard time forgiving.



She thinks that it's her father she can't forgive, but sometimes she thinks that it might be her mother, too. She tries not to examine that thought too hard because she is what she is because of her mother, because she wants to be her mother, wants to follow in her footsteps. Still...there's a little voice (not so little) that reminds Maka that she doesn't want to be her mother, she wants to be better than her mother, wants to surpass her in every way possible. Maka will make Soul a Deathscythe faster, younger, and she'll make a Deathscythe superior to her father in every way. She'll be, they'll be better.

She can't (won't) forgive him because to forgive him means that she's accepted what he did to her mother, what he did to her, what he did to their family. There is little room for doubt in her mind that Spirit is the one to blame. To forgive is to accept, to say that it's ok, that she doesn't mind that he cheated, doesn't mind that he drove her mother away, doesn't care that he broke (breaks) her trust over and over again.

She tries not to think when the high wears off after getting one of her mother's postcards that Kami is the strongest person Maka knows...that if she had wanted to stay, there wouldn't have been anything that Spirit could have said or done to drive her away, no matter how much her heart had been hurting. She doesn't like to think about the fact that of the two, Kami was the one who left, and for all of her noise about what a terrible husband and father Spirit was and how she hadn't wanted to interrupt Maka's training, she had still remanded Maka to his care, and still had left, gone away as fast as her plane ticket could be bought, and hadn't looked back.

She doesn't think about how the postcards are just that...brief souvenirs from her mother's travels, one or two sentences at most jotted down. Maka can't even write back, not really. By the time she gets them, Kami's long gone. She can't call her mother when she's hurting, can't have girl chat, can't tell her her hopes and her fears, can't share her progress with Soul, her loathing of Spirit. Can't have a hug, or a kiss goodnight.

Maka scoffs at these things anyway. She doesn't need a hug or a kiss goodnight. She hadn't even been living with her parents when the divorce went through, she'd already been living with Soul. She didn't need to share her progress, or to have girl time. Those were the trappings of a child, and Maka wasn't a child any longer. Children don't hunt and kill kishin eggs, children don't get their 99 souls. She doesn't need Kami, she insists, and most of the time she can believe it. She can believe that Kami never would have left if she didn't think that Maka was ready to be on her own, that Maka was strong enough and that she wasn't needed around.

Most of the time. She doesn't want to dwell on the little voice that says it wasn't just Spirit that Kami wanted to get away from, that affection was turning to frustration, that her family was a burden. She doesn't (can't) understand what she might have done to drive her mother away, and so she doesn't think about it as hard as she can, doesn't think about the bitterness of not knowing, of being left. Instead, she focuses on that burning in her heart. Stronger, better, the best.

She can't...won't forgive her father, never intends to, never wants to, no matter how hard he tries to get back in her good graces. Forgiving him is failing herself, failing her mother. Sometimes, when she's being honest, when she's hurting and the tears threaten and Soul tries, but he's just a teenage boy, and there's only so much that he can do, sometimes she can't forgive her mother, either.
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August 2011

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